How we should treat our fellow members & chairs

[TBJK]

Continuing the discussion from It's OK MOM will clean it up:

It's OK MOM will clean it up

It was one incident, two members at once. One was complaining to another Team Laser member when I walked up and asked him to sign in. He refused. And then proceeded to dress me down. Verbally abusive. Raised voice + hateful. Another commercial, non-volunteer user at the adjacent laser joined in. Their points were: they don’t have to sign in, it’s insulting to sign in, writing enforcement actions on the whiteboard is a horrible thing to do, revoking laser access for walking away is a horrible thing to do, permanently banning people for deliberately and systematically not paying is a horrible thing to do, I never say hi to the first user when I walk by (he’s there when I’m not there…that our paths crossed that night was unusual…this was probably only the third time), I’m unfriendly to the users, I’m destroying Laser, I’m the most hated person at the Space and I personally keep the machines in horrible shape. My counterpoints to their complaints about Laser policies were met with escalating personal attacks.

Stephanie, this is the at least second time I’ve heard of similar issues. I have heard of other members berating chairs, being down right nasty towards them.

I can say this. IF I OBSERVE this happening I will shut it down. This can not stand. We are all humans, we should be respectful of each other. We do not need to act like kids.

How would they like to be on the receiving end of that? Treat your fellow members as you would like to be treated. There is no reason to get nasty, to yell at each other.

[Nick]

Wow,

That seems like a crazy incident. Maybe these issues are stemming from many other interactions with others. May I suggest that when this happens in the future you ask their names and emails to try and handle this in written form. This allows both parties the ability to track what is actually being said, rather than endless defensive statements. It also allows both parties the ability to escalate the matter to the BOD with a paper record if need be.

I’m watching as similar issues are being handled in another group of mine and the fact that all communications are in writing has allowed for the childish behavior to be very apparent. At the same time, when the issue is on the side of the member in charge, their improper responses are also easy to pick out. None of us are perfect, and when in person discussion is not working a documented communication is a good step to calm the waters.

[Edenblue]

Or you could record it. Who is going to stop to give you their email when they are heated?

[Nick]

I don’t think recording the interaction is going to deescalate the situation. I’d note many videos of people recording each other in an argument that blow up into even crazier events.

The goal isn’t to solve the problem right then, but rather to re frame the situation in a manner that can be tracked and logged. Those who want to act out and get their way by bullying others will lose their power when you switch it to writing. Those that are just frustrated and can be worked with will be given the needed space to fully state their issue without interruption common in face to face communications.

If your goal is to have an even larger situation at DMS, recording may be a good option. That would not be my goal.

[heyheymama]

May I suggest that when this happens in the future you ask their names and emails to try and handle this in written form

There was shock and awe involved. When your peer is silent and your superior acts to smooth the verbally abusive person’s feathers, there’s nothing left to handle in an email. I appreciate you offering a level headed solution, though, Nick.

[HankCowdog]

I’m not sure the part about recess is on point, but a recent FB post from a friend of mine comes to mind:

I’d be inclined to dismiss this an elementary school issue, but this is actually from a first grade classroom.

Sorry you were subjected to that treatment, @heyheymama - you deserve better.

[BarkingChicken]

I’ve never had people get in my face before at DMS, but I have walked into a room/hallway hearing people ranting at each other about me and/or my chair/vice-chair at the time (multiple incidents). I’ve been called a “dumb bitch” when someone didn’t think I could hear them. I’ve had a new member tell me that I was “Way nicer than they had been lead to believe.” And frankly that hurts a lot. It makes me want to quit volunteering here.

Another thing that has been driving me crazy, especially since leading CA through the expansion into our new studio, has been the people second guessing every decision that gets made. One prime example, when we were removing the old carpeting I had SO many members walk past and comment, “You should have done it THIS way instead.” and then walk away while the other volunteers were busy sweating their butts off getting the carpet and glue removed. That’s not even remotely helpful. (To be clear, I am not talking about the volunteers who stepped up to help us figure it out when they saw us struggling with some unexpected issues.)

@heyheymama, I’m really sorry you had to deal with those… unpleasant people. You do a LOT for DMS and you are appreciated.

[PearceDunlap]

This might fall on deaf ears, but I can say that the rumor that I’m the huge asshole for enforcing rules is a real bummer. And then I get yelled at on the days when it’s posted that storage follow through is happening. Good stuff.

[AndrewLeCody]

I’ve had a new member tell me that I was “Way nicer than they had been lead to believe.” And frankly that hurts a lot.

I know exactly how that feels, it’s not great.

[Scott_Blevins]

After a certain age (or perhaps the numbers of these types of cycles) the number of F’s left to give about what others think diminishes drastically. This works in my favor daily.

[Nick]

There was shock and awe involved. When your peer is silent and your superior acts to smooth the verbally abusive person’s feathers, there’s nothing left to handle in an email.

Again, sorry you had to put up with that. Your comment of Peers and Superiors does concern me as you are relying on 1 or 2 people rather than the greater social pressure of our group. If I was present for something like this, I would of stepped in. I would also post the names and any proof I had of the situation to TALK and a BOD Meeting item given the claim of Shock and Awe. As though this was a planned effort. When we continue to protect the anonymity of members that choose to act like described we do nothing to stop the behavior.

Nameless calls to action will not fix this kind of an issue.

[Ferman]

When we continue to protect the anonymity of members that choose to act like described we do nothing to stop the behavior.
Nameless calls to action will not fix this kind of an issue.

+1

[NightRanger]

Wow! You’ve written a DMS experience of mine nearly to the letter. Try sitting in a room of peers where everybody is watching abusive behavior and doing nothing because of leadership. They’ll text you while it’s happening to try to be supportive. They’ll come up afterwards and say “Whoa! wth was that!?” When you say, “Ok, I actually need help here”… whoooooshhh

As long as leadership has that person’s back, forget about it. Definitely DO NOT try to fight back as they’ll frame your pushed-to-the-limit reactions in a context you didn’t even have the good sense to think about and then tell your peers “See, he deserved it.”

The only solace I take is knowing that “leaders”, that actually value the easy way of smoothing things out for their favorite instead of fixing the problem, have a limited number of days before an internal epiphany where they realize they were no leader at all and any successes were happenstance brought on by others.

[larsgars]

I’ll make it a point to come up to you personally and apologize for what I wrote down and called you. It has nothing to do with the rules by the way. But me getting heated on talk was not the way to go. If you’re ok, I’d like to sit down and just chat when you have time. Thanks!