Regarding your post title (clever, BTW), I have what is probably a stupid question 
When I turn green wood it tends to warp, twist, shift, etc. That’s not a big deal for a bowl (depending on how much it moves), but I would think it would be a bigger issue for a pen.
Any serious woodturners care to help educate me please?
Here’s what I can tell you. ALL GREEN wood will warp and change dimensions some. Some woods like mesquite do so only a small amount after it is dry, but all woods shrink and expand with the humidity and temp. .
What I recommend for pen blanks s that you cut your green wood into oversized pen blanks then quick dry them in the microwave. To do this you put the cut blank(s) into the microwave and cook on high for 1-2 mins. Then let cool and allow the water vapor to transpire. Then cook another two mins or so and allow it to cool again. After several iterations check the water content with a meter. If it falls within limits say 10-15% depending upon the wood then you can turn it just like it was kiln dried.
You can cook them in a conventional oven, too although I’ve never messed with doing so. Some woods tolerate high power on the microwave better than others so if you’re nervous about cooking them use a lower power level initially,
You can’t do this with very large pieces of wood but it seems to work fine for pen blanks.
Dan - thanks!! I’d give this two likes and a heart if I could.
That’s a great tip! Also, there’s always a graphic that fits the sentiment!
Adding to @coloneldan 's method, you can weigh the wood before microwaving and after to judge water loss.
I have heard of the wood leaving unpleasant residual odors that might affect taste. The Peele i have seen do this have a dedicate cheap microwave. They use it for roughed out bowls as well.
@Scott_Blevins will probably relish making everything taste like pecan though.
I wonder if wrapping it with a paper towel before microwaving would help wick away moisture / dry more evenly.
All I can think of is how when you do a microwave burrito like that it always ends up sticking random places because of moisture. Granted wood not equal burrito
I’ve not tried the microwave method but I’ve dried small bits of wood in a repurposed toaster oven. 24 hours at 225 degrees does the trick. The larger pieces can be cut to bowl blank size, have the ends dipped in wax, then let them sit for a year in a garage to dry out slowly. The slower the dry the less chance of cracking.
Nate started this post about some free wood and it has gone all over the place. There is a lot of good technical information in here, esp. about drying wood. Anyone object if I split off the posts about how to DIY dry wood?
Thats fine with me if the info is helpful to others
Here’s a good summary article…http://www.westbaywoodturners.com/tutorial/Drying_wood.htm - covers lots of different techniques. I have tried the alcohol soak with varying degrees of success for bowl blanks (rough turn, then soak overnight, then dry for a few days)…Tried a 14" rough oak bowl (from wood in front of DMS, cracked to hell and back; worked great on stuff under about 6 inches, but all rough turned…
Chris, movement in a bowl blank is not only a function of the kind of wood, it is also going to depend on other factors such as “balance” of grain across bowl (the more balanced, or symmetrical from one side to the other, the more even the warping will be - have had it create some very pleasing oval shapes). It will also depend on how near or far the blank is from the pith…An article about these issues can be found in this article by John Jordan: https://www.johnjordanwoodturning.com/John_Jordan_Woodturning/Understanding_Wood.html