I’m noticing a disturbing trend of really negative verbal communication at DMS. I think some of our issues with “stubborn” people might be related to the way we communicate. I really want to get people to do what I want them to and the best way to do that isn’t always zinging them and hurting their feelings. Some things that tend to work for me are the following:
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Use courtesy. Please, thank you, can you do me a favor, and other really pleasant phrases work out really well for me. I work daily with kids who have major issues with authority, and for the most part, I do pretty well just treating them with courtesy. This doesn’t always work, but it does about 80% of the time. There’s the old saying “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar”, and I find that it’s often very true.
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Offer to help. Customer service people do loss prevention and just get annoying customers out by being super helpful. Oh, this thing is in my way? Can I help you move it? Oh, this person isn’t using the queue correctly? Can I show you how to add yourself to the queue? This response might help resolve issues related to “being new” or “being a veteran member but still unaware of procedures”. It also might take some of the sting out of correcting someone who is just kind of a jerk and avoid a full on altercation.
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Build relationships. I’m going to use Nicole as an example, because she won’t hold it against me (I hope!). I want to use the serger. Nicole is using the serger every single time I come in, but I spend those times being super friendly to her and learning all about how she likes to serge stuff, that she’s a teacher, and that she likes Creative Arts a lot. One day, I come in and ask her if I can use the serger super fast before she starts her serge a thon, or when she’s taking a quick serge break. She is way more likely to let me serge my stuff than if I’m some random person demanding the serger.
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Don’t kitchen sink people. So Nicole and I had it out months ago because she wouldn’t let me use the serger ever, and I really really like it. When she starts using the serger again all the time, I’m not going to bring up the past serger addiction. I’m going to keep my issue with her to the immediate issue. People can feel overwhelmed when you come at them with every single thing they’ve done wrong forever, and they get stubborn. If I keep the discussion to this one little issue, she feels like it’s not as major and is more likely to let me use the serger.
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Use “I” statements when you can. For example, “I feel frustrated when you ask me to use the vinyl cutter because I’m cutting out pink unicorns and those are super important to me, so could you maybe just ask me when I’m cutting out purple Pomeranians instead?” Make it about you, your feelings, and what you want people to do instead. Try to keep the feelings to frustrating, hurt, anxiety, etc. rather than anger, because anger is more threatening. It’s a more vulnerable place, but most people tend to respond positively to it. I realize DMS is predominantly male, and some of you aren’t used to communicating about your feelings because of gender roles, but it really does work. I frequently joke with my students that I am “in my feelings” about an issue, and they are a lot more likely to comply with a demand without my going into how hurt my feelings are that I have to remind them yet again to do extremely simple work.
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Offer solutions. If you’re tired of Nicole breaking stuff all the time, offer a solution for her. Hey Nicole, take a class on vinyl cutters, because this one can be a little finicky. Hey Nicole, take a class on woodshop, because the bandsaw can really hurt you and I don’t want you to die at DMS. Hey Nicole, take a class on the 3d printer so you know how the queue works. Problems do not help. Solutions help.
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Be understanding. We have a really diverse group at DMS. Some people genuinely do not have the social skills to navigate this community, and that’s not entirely their fault. Educate when you can, be kind when you can’t, and keep in mind that a lot of what people are doing isn’t malicious. We literally have people at DMS who are missing the part of their brain that deals with social stuff, executive planning, emotional regulation, etc. You wouldn’t expect someone on crutches to run a marathon, so cut people a little slack when it’s obvious they are trying.
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Give people the benefit of the doubt. A lot of us are new to DMS. A lot of us are new to doing what we’re doing. There are workspace etiquette questions that all of us likely need guidance in, so this is where being super helpful can be great. Also, it helps when you approach people about it to assume they have the best of intentions so that way they don’t feel accused.
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Don’t take things personally. I am using too many tables because my project is big and I’m flustered about it. It isn’t because I hate Nicole and I think she’s too artsy. It isn’t personal. It has nothing to do with you as a person, and everything to do with my Problems or just lack of knowledge. I know DMS is super important to everyone, but if you take things as a personal attack, you’re more likely to respond by taking someone’s head off than helping them make better choices.
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Utilize the strengths of others. You know that person who gets on your nerves all the time? They might be really good at fixing stuff. That guy who is so freaking annoying? He’s willing to help paint the hallway because Nicole is magical and gets people to do stuff, and he just did a beautiful job on our now magenta hallway. It’s a lot easier to deal with his need to sing loudly while he’s in the fiber class because now my hallway is all pretty. Try to find the best in people, and use it.
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Watch your tone, volume, and language. If you are snappy with someone, using profanity, or full on screaming, it’s not only alarming for them, it’s alarming for others. We have kids who come to DMS, and while I’m not trying to make DMS a safe spot for everyone’s feelings, I’m also not trying to work on my knitting in the middle of a profanity laden screaming match. Additionally, this puts people on the defensive because they feel like they are being attacked because they kind of are being attacked. Also, with language, try to watch how you phrase things. Using absolutes also puts people on the defensive. If I say Nicole is ALWAYS using EVERY TABLE, I’m inaccurate and likely to annoy her because she’s using two tables in Creative Arts, not every table at DMS. She’s also only using them on Fridays sometimes, and unfortunately that just happens to be my favorite DMS time too.
These aren’t rules to follow or anything, but I figure you’d like to have some constructive conversations and get people to actually do what you ask them to do. Using positive communication keeps you looking like an adult, and out of power struggles. These tips work really well for me, and they can work for you too!
(For people who don’t know me yet, my day job is working with students with severe emotional and behavioral challenges, so this is kind of my jam)
