Members,
I am writing to you today to notify you of my intent to run for a position on the board. I was recently inspired to run for this position after the recent, troubling news that I saw on talk about the recent ban. What I found most troubling about the ban is the board’s complete and total failure (NAY, NEGLIGENCE!) to notify me that I could use DMS as a lender of last resort and that all I had to do was become an authorized purchasing agent for the organization. To this day, the board still continues to deny the incredibly obvious truth that DMS exists solely so that I can pay for my auto maintenance, computers, clothes, and much more so long as I pay them back.
These current board members are demons: demons who are there deceive us and turn us against each other by pitting ordinary, hard working folks against superior intelligent beings such as myself who just want some damn money at 0% interest that I will definitely pay back at some point.
Time and time again, this board has failed to recognize that even if we were assigned the identity of a makerspace at birth, our true identity is that of a bank. What type of bank are we? A bank of the people! Specifically, a bank for one very specific type of people: me.
Now I want to be clear about what I mean when I say ‘bank’ and ‘lend’. These are just shorthand terms. To you and I, DMS will be a bank that lends me money. To the IRS, PureTax, and any external authority or partner, I’m just reconciling a ‘personal expense’. You see, a personal expense is an expense for a person. An organization is a group of people (which is the plural for person). DMS is an organization and I am a people, so this is really not inurement when you get down to it. I assure you that the authorities will totally understand.
Just, you know, don’t bother them about it. The IRS and PureTax are very busy and hardworking, especially the law enforcement part of the IRS with the badges and the guns. We don’t want to bother them with any of this trivial stuff. If you love America, then you’ll let our boys (and girls) in blue in the IRS do their jobs keeping us normal americans safe from money terrorists instead of bothering them with pointless questions like “Was it okay for Kevin to use DMS funds for his home’s downpayment and then pay us back after his next paycheck came in?” Because it’s obviously okay and this anti-law enforcement board of directors doesn’t seem to understand that.
There’s another thing you guys need to understand about me before you make a critical decision during the next election. I have reason to believe that my opposition may choose to bring up my very peculiar taste in cars as a reason to not vote for me. I would like to address this now to prevent confusion among the electorate.
From the day of my birth, I could remember how much my father loved UHaul. He loved UHaul because it’s the honest person’s choice for car rental. When you would want to rent a car for business activities or for travel, you would always choose UHaul. The bulky size, poor gas mileage, slowness, and plausible deniability all make it the honest man’s ideal travel vehicle.
That’s why I will use DMS funds so that I can drive a UHaul truck as my personal vehicle, instead of a normal rental car like normal people, whenever I feel like an especially good and honest person who just wants to get around.
Some of you may come back at me and say that I would be engaging in some form of ‘misappropriation of funds’, but, as a rational unbiased skeptic who cares only about the truth, I must ask:
Are you sure?
Are you really sure?
Are you really, really sure?
Are you really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really sure?
Now if I find out that I was wrong and that I can’t use DMS as my personal federal reserve, then I will withdraw from the race. Until then, consider me as a candidate who just wants some money.